life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
