Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
