really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
