Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
