if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
