I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
