Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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