This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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