what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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