there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
