So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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