Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
