Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
