Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
