call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
