Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
