dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
