It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
