why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
