Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
