Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
