She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
