During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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