went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
