Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
