It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
