Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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