Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
