If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
