At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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