So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
