His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
