I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
