So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
