Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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