All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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