I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
