god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
