If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
