I wish my penis had an off switch
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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