i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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