ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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