im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
