i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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