don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
