I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
