Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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