The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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