yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I want her autograph on my taint
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
