who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
