Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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